Secrets to Success

Always bad luck with women? And feel like you never know what they want? For the male population, women remain a mystery. It is true that you shouldn’t put people in boxes, but after listening to a group of single guys ranting, we thought it would be a bit of fun to ‘categorise’ some common types of women and their tactics. Warning! This article contains sarcasm.

The Gold-digger

Trademark: Fake Louis Vuitton handbag

Her profile: She is usually a pretty good looking woman, spending an enormous amount of effort on grooming herself. The gold- digger’s ultimate goal is to capture a rich man who can provide her a life of leisure and luxury. Fore her, money and success are the primary factor of attraction, and that’s why you will overhear her talking about “how cute” Donald Trump is. She mostly hangs out in up market bars in the up market part of town where she is stirring a low alcoholic cocktail (she doesn’t want to get distracted from her goal – see above) and scanning the environment for eligible males. She has a sure eye for money and will only take a second to judge if you are a target or not. Although she can’t afford any designer clothing (what she’s got are presents from pervious boyfriends) she effortlessly knows her Budapest’s from the Hush Puppys.

Your tactic: Well, ultimately you will have very little chance if you are not rich. You may try to pretend, but as previously stated, the gold diggers sense for money is sharp. Your best chance: Try to switch her onto some stronger drinks to weaken her armory.

The Best Mate

Trademark: Your favorite T-Shirt

Her profile: The best friend is the lovely, inconspicuous girl you know since childhood, since High School, or from your first job. You can have a laugh with her and she doesn’t mind the odd dirty joke. She is always there for you when you seem troubled – offering you her sandwich when you forgot lunch, or a shoulder to cry on when your hot girlfriend dumped you. In return she doesn’t ask for much …you can’t remember her ever having relationship troubles, which probably stems from her never having any relationships. When you come to think of it…she is ALWAYS there – with you. Somehow she smuggled herself into Friday arvo football and beer with the guys – after all she is your ‘best friend’. The matter of fact is: she has set her eyes on you and her intentions are not friendship at all. She is willing to watch you date and get dumped, until you are at a low point where you start thinking: she’s actually alright – I get along with her…and before you know it you are in a relationship with her.

Your tactic: Come on, hasn’t someone told you yet there IS no friendship between men and women?

The Nag

Her trademark: Hissy fits making your ears bleed

Her profile: You mostly discover the princess when you are already in a relationship with her, in short: when it’s too late. At first she was all that: pretty, cute, and laughed at all your jokes. How things can change….now you’re jokes are “crude”, camping is “uncomfortable and boring”, fishing is “yuk” and anyway, “you hang out with your mates all the time and you never do anything romantic with me”. You made the fatal mistake and let her move in with you and find yourself sitting down for peeing. Your mates are not welcome, because “they always drink and they stink”. Well, consider your balls as officially removed. Her ultimate aim is to make you the puppy dog she feels she could “have her dream wedding with” and live her “Brady Bunch” lifestyle. Don’t feel embarrassed though, it has happened to many guys.

Your tactic: Get out of there as long as you have a chance….

The career woman

Her trademark: Her constantly beeping blackberry

Her profile: She has got a very important, very well paid job, and don’t worry, you will hear about it. The career woman always dresses nicely; she’s got good taste, but really, how many suits can one have. You might meet her in a trendy café on the bottom of the big office high-rises in the centre of town, where she enjoys her soy-skim-double-macchiato at about 6:45am before heading into the office. That is, if you can catch her eyes over the rim of her laptop. This type of woman, quite opposite to the gold-digger, does not want your money. Of that she’s got plenty – just really she hasn’t any time to spend it so she invests it all in expensive waterfront apartments. Although she looks as she’s got it all, the career woman is often quite lonely at those rare times when she does not have any work to do.

Your tactic: whisk her away on night of spontaneous fun, grubby pubs and debauchery to make her feel human again.